Last fall Pat Robertson, who is an ordained Baptist minister and is well known for his syndicated program, the 700 Club, angered millions when he, in response to a viewer question answered during a taping of the program, stated that it is ok to divorce your spouse, should he or she suffer from Alzheimer’s disease, as long as the spouse receives custodial care, because the disease is like a death. In other words, when your spouse gets to the point where he or she can no longer recognize you, it is ok to move on without a guilt trip. What about the marital vows ‘in sickness and in health?’ or ‘until death do us part?’ exclaimed many in outraged response. Personally, I wonder how he would answer a question regarding the morality of abandoning a severely disabled child as long as the child received custodial care. Although this was medically advised not too many years ago, in 2012, even formulating such a question seems outrageous.
According to the Alzheimer’s Association, divorce does not typically occur when a spouse suffers from Alzheimer’s disease. The reality instead is that the family rallies around the Alzheimer’s sufferer, and his or her caregiver spouse, as this is what marriage, family, and love are all about.
But what if a dementia diagnosis is given to someone at a younger age, for example, to a person in their 30s or 40s? If I personally were to receive such a diagnosis, get to the point where I could no longer recognize my husband or children, and thus require 24-hour care, I would hope that my husband would have the opportunity to find someone to share his life and that my young children would have someone else in their lives to serve as their de facto mother.
The reality is that divorce is not uncommon when a younger person receives such a tragic diagnosis, not chiefly because of the emotional needs of the spouse and children, but rather due to economic necessity. I’ve seen firsthand the difficult choices that have to be made where one spouse has dementia, requiring 24-hour care, the healthy spouse is still working and years away from retirement, and there are minor children still living at home. In such a situation, divorce can be the only alternative to what will most certainly be financial devastation for the family. Here, with arguably very limited exception, the dementia sufferer is not ‘abandoned’ as the family, often the spouse, will most likely remain actively involved with care decision making for the dementia sufferer.
In short, although I truly believe in the sanctity of marriage, I also believe that life is not always black and white. As such, we need to be a community to those dealing with the difficult choices that a dementia diagnosis brings, whether the afflicted is age 42 or 82.
I welcome your thoughts.
Hello Beth
I am 34 years old and my husband 56 years old. He diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers. We have a 3 months old son and a 5 years old daughter. I am a foreigner living in his country away from my family and friends and also I am his second marriage and I don’t have a very good relation with his family. Not a very good position to be in.
I’m living this dilemma and there’s no easy solution or right answer.
This is really helpful, thanks.
Thank you for the wonderful article
I have a close aunt who has been battling with the idea of divorcing her oppressive, verbally abusive husband for upwards of 15 years; and now he is fairly deep into Alzheimer’s; after a diagnosis 2 years ago. She feels even more trapped than before, and there seems to be no hope or light at the end of the tunnel. She, alone, is financially supporting them, their 12 animals and 2 of their adult children.
What kind of life is that for her? He still knows who she is, but they can’t talk, because he can’t even formulate a single coherent thought. He can’t be trusted with simple tasks, and he now sneaks out to the casino to waste her money, while she is working… This leaving a person with a mental illness taboo has got to be squashed. I would kill myself in her position.
Can I with a power of attorney for my father divorce him from his wife if she put him out to live with me because she said she could not care for him any longer because he has Alzheimers and only remembers being married to my mom who is deceased and knows her as only a friend? My siblings and I would like to have this done. Is it possible?
Not sure of the date when this was written but never considered divorce from my wife of 60 years although she has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s officially for 4 + years and symptoms for maybe 10. I am slowly losing her and this terrible disease takes away her very personhood. I have long term care but a maximum of 5 years coverage and with her good physical health she could conceivably live 10 more years. At $100K + per year in care cost could seriously drain our resources after the LTC runs out. If the disease runs it’s normal course in 5 years she would not recognize me or our children/grandchildren. We are both devout Christians and have taken our vows seriously but for the first time in our marriage I am actually contemplating the economic value of divorce even in these late years of our life and marriage. Today many of our laws unfortunately almost force us to make decisions that go against long standing traditions and beliefs. Each day a chip comes out of our good marriage and at some point leaves only a memory of what once was and will never be again. Anger, frustration, worry, sadness are replacing what was once so wonderful.
My husbands son came to . with us & poisoned our home. Since then, my husband turned into a crazy person! He’s been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s but whats the difference between Alzheimer’s & brain damage?
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Hi Beth – I thank you for your understanding with this thoughtful commentary. I myself am 38 and my wife had just been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s at 44. We are having to deal with some painful realities and cannot help but feel immense pressure and uncertainty ahead. I wish more people were willing to speak about this openly and dispassionately.
I am so glad I read this because I finally feel heard. I am 39 and my wife will soon be turning 45. She was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s in early 2021 but sensed something was wrong as far back as 2017. We’ve been married for almost 10 years but it has been very challenging for the past 5 years. I wanted a divorce a long time ago but she was let go from her job and kept struggling to maintain employment. I care for her and want to make sure she is taken care of but I do not love her (have not for a long time) but she literally has no one else. When I first met her 10 years ago she told me her mom died of dementia but assured me she had been genetically tested and was fine. A week ago we received her genetic testing results which confirmed a gene mutation that causes Early Onset Alzheimer’s in 95% of cases. So many people are quick to judge and remind you of your marriage vows which is very easy to say if you are not in this predicament where the person you once knew no longer exists.
I am 39 and my wife is 45. She was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s disease about a year and a half ago and I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life. Everyday is a little worse than the one before as the disease eats away at any trace of the woman I once knew. Most clinical trials and studies devoted to finding a cure are limited to people 65 or older. Those, like my wife, who have the genetic mutation that causes Alzheimer’s (PSEN 1 for her) are doomed to find that this form of the disease is so rare that they are not eligible for most studies. Her mother died from the same condition and no one in her family has raised a finger to help. Our annual earnings are too high to receive subsidies but too low to avoid this leading to almost certain financial ruin once the time comes that she will need 24/7 care. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
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